Top 5 Best Waluigi Games Of All Time

No Nintendo character gets as much love as Waluigi. Not only did he get a starring role on every Nintendo console to date, but his popularity spawned many spin-offs and crossovers. And who can deny that stache'?

Ladies? 

There was lot of great Waluigi games, and since Nintendo is dubbing this year the "Year of Waluigi" we decided it seemed fitting to sit down and discuss once and for all which of his games were the best. After a week of discussing it over (ergo; slap fighting) we have come to conclude that the following 5 are the best games the lovable purple plumber has starred in: 

5. New Super Waluigi Bros. 3 (Wii) 

While both previous NSWB games were good fun, they pale in comparison to the third game in the series. Actually adding "New" to the rebooted franchise, NSWB3 pits our four heroes (Waluigi, Wario, Dry Bones, and Birdo) against the evil king Wart yet again, but this time they have to collect radishes- lots of radishes. While some can argue that the radish collecting was a dumb gimmick, it at least proved to offered a fun challenge to beat each others' high score on Radish Rush Levels (though, it unfortunately capped at 30,000 radishes). On top of the already extensive content the game offers, new DLC packs will deliver more Waluigi radish-collecting action in the months ahead, so there's plenty to do in an already awesome game. Can't wait for the sequels! 

4. Wario is Missing! Starring Mickey Mouse (NES)

Considered by some to be the greatest educational piece of software in existence, Wario is Missing is Waluigi's fourth starring role in a video game, and is Nintendo's first major collaboration project with Disney (let's try to forget their later attempts with Disney Wii Sports Bowling) When Wario is taken away by evil Pete's henchmen for not paying his taxes, it's up to Waluigi and Mickey Mouse to save him by solving algorithm problems, learning about tax refunds, and answering pop culture questions about Madonna's new hit singles. Difficulty settings from Pre-school to college to "know-it-all" assure that everyone can enjoy the game and boost their I.Q. by 40 points. A thought-provoking storyline will keep you engrossed until the last tearful ending (I dare you to find a more perfect ending in a video game), while accompanied by some of the most epic music in video game history. Wario is Missing! should be part of everyone's childhood (if it isn't, stop playing video games right now, your childhood sucked). 

3. Waluigi Pinball (DS) 

Regarded as the best DS game of all time, Waluigi Pinball offered one pinball table (one was all you needed) of pure unadulterated fun. Unfazed by Mario's previous pinball adventure, Waluigi steps it up a generation later by cramming himself into a ball and delivering the most essential DS game you could ever own on the console. This game made Metroid Prime Pinball look like sh*t in comparison. In fact, it made all DS games look like sh*t. Do we really need all those Pokemon games? Throw that crap out, brother; the DS has only one cartridge slot after all. 

2. LEGO Waluigi Bros. Vs. Capcom (Gamecube)

Know why this game is on the list? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?! Where else can you pit LEGO Waluigi and Birdo against Ryu and Amaterasu?! NO WHERE, B*TCH. Think Contra made you a man, you punk hipster?!?!?!?! This game gives you more balls than Pokemon!!! The Water Level alone takes FIVE YEARS to beat, you momma's boy!!! Melee got sh*t to this game!!! Third-parties might as well stop developing Horzes 3D pock-sh*t and just start making HD ports to this game!!! If this game isn't part of your daily EVERY WAKING MOMENT routine stop playing video games right NOW and go back to your momma's uterus, because your brain needs more time to develop and appreciate ART when it's staring in your stupid face!!!! 

1. Super Final Waluigi Fantasy RPG DX (SNES) 

You know what went wrong with SQUARE ENIX? The moment they decided this game didn't need a sequel. That's like declining chocolate cake, because your dumbarse brain registered a Portal meme joke. YOU STUPID. Final Fantasy has gone to the dogs as soon as Waluigi stepped out of the picture. I hope you're happy playing All The Bravest and looking up Lightning's skirt you apologetic scorn sons of a !@#$%$ #$%#@ %$#$ and perpetual feces slinging #$%& #$@% because the FF you know is a lie to appease you fickle fats. You never played Super Final Waluigi Fantasy RPG DX because you're all too emo and your Macs don't support the emulator! You don't know how REAL RPGs should play like. You pay $15 for an iOS Rom dump you can play on auto you sad sack of sh*t. Super Final Waluigi Fantasy RPG DX has you starting at Level -40 and level grinding makes your level go DOWN!! Super Waluigi Fantasy RPG DX has NOT ONE stupid CGI cut scene- because the graphics couldn't render it, you uncultured stupid-y stupid's stupid!!! Crono Trigger has got nothing to this game!!!! Go back to playing Kingdom Hearts you #$%&@- your kind doesn't deserve to even look upon the godly pedestal this game is situated on for your stupid face would melt off like that Nazi from Indiana Jones!!!! 

Honorable Mentions: Waluigi's Mansion, Waluigi's Woods (A-Rated title),  Waluigi Time, Waluigi Touch and Go! (also an A-Rated Title), and Waluigi 2: Wario's Adventure. 

Happy Year of Waluigi, everyone!

Top 5 Best Waluigi Games Of All Time

Bad Eggs - Home Alone 2

Welcome to Bad Eggs! We take one bad game from the dark annals of history (the dark path across from Wal-Mart), play the game despite our unnerving gag reflexes and post the results here with maybe some images to show of our harrowing journey. So sit back and put a clothes pin on, because it’s going to get real nasty in here.  

Movie licensed video games come in two flavors: the common truly awful variety made just to milk out money, and the rare type that developers put their time and effort into and thus don't suck. Home Alone 2, the atrocity I am about to review, is in a completely different effed up league in itself. Not only is it a bad game, but it's complete ignorance to the actual plotline to the movie is incredible. It's five complete levels of psychotic insanity; devoid of little coherency or any logical explanations for anyone who has never seen the movie (though you totally should watch it).

Those that have seen the movie beforehand, however, will immediately recognize the events that unfold in the game (however ludicrous they're portrayed). We're first greeted with a cut scene of the hotel Receptionist calling up the goons from the first film, Harry and Marv, to catch the protagonist Kevin who was staying at the hotel with his dad's stolen credit card.

"It's simple: we kill the Batman." 

The awful pixel artwork only gets worse: 

Marv looks like he's deeply attracted to that pay phone. 

After a few seconds of sitting through bad animation (or pressing START) we're sent right into the first level and OH SNAP YOU BETTER RUN, BECAUSE IT'S A CHASE LEVEL! 

I-is that Spock? 

Right now you're probably thinking "Oh, so this whole game is running away from people?" and you're absolutely....WRONG. In fact the doorman literally walks a few feet and then proceeds turns around as if to say "Oh! I left the oven on!" and repeats the process apparently until the end of time. So...he's just an normal enemy. Touching him results in a one-hit death, so let's leave him alone to admire the other enemies this game has to offer: 

Yes, that suitcase is an enemy. 

Wow, a...suitcase? A SUITCASE???? A suitcase that can hurt you??? A f***ing moving suitcase????? Holy s*** better stock up on something to fight those things, right? Running and pressing down on the D-pad to do a slide attack seems to do the trick, but that won't work against the push cart services or old grannies (yes that's an actual enemy), so you might need to find something you can fire from a long range...something like...a dart gun. 

  Also that face on the top left corner totally looks like a Taiko drum. 

But it doesn't kill anyone, just stuns them, so I can dig it. There was dart guns in both movies. No big deal. A pearl necklace is also a weapon, and it's laughably the most powerful weapon so far: it trips and kills anyone who happens walk over the pearls you scatter on the ground....okay, I can...also kind of dig that. And to answer any possible questions you may be asking right about now, those things hovering in the air are health items and they're cookie and pizza slices. I know because a GameFaqs walkthrough told me, but I'm sure the writer was grasping at straws, because those items look nothing like food. (Also, I have a new fond respect for the internet for even having a strategy guide for this game)

Also did I mention there's a vacuum cleaner enemy? Because there totally is: 

This blog feature writes itself. 

 As we continue our venture through hell- er, the Plaza Hotel- narrowly avoiding umbrella swatting grannies and demon possessed suitcases, we come across the receptionist desk and...wait, the receptionist is Chris Rock? How did I miss that part? And why is he throwing keys and...bombs in random directions?

Is there an alternate Death at a Funeral version of Home Alone 2 that I missed? 

Oh silly me, that's not racist, the dev's just wanted him to be black that's all. Now let's put that behind and see what's happening in the News just around the corner! On second thought, if you are going to play this game (Also, why would you?) don't go into the News room, because this is what happens: 

 Literal interpretation of what happens when EggBeatr doesn't blog on time. 

Yes, you get choked to death by Al Rooker. By a guy who you never see in the movie. In a room that didn't exist in the movie's hotel, or any real hotel on planet earth (A News room???). There is no way to avoid this man if you step foot into the room: you're dead as soon as you enter. You can't escape; he's just right there waiting for you. This makes Blaster Master's enemy placement look like well thought out programming. This is just a sad joke to an already sad game. But it gets worse. Suppose you decide not to go into the News Room - the man walks out from the News Room and FOLLOWS YOU like a zombie pedophile. 

"And here's what's going to happen to YOUR scrawny dead neck of the woods!!"

After avoiding some more enemies (including mops), you come to an elevator door that will continually throw an endless stream of suitcases. In order to escape this room, you have to continually push up on the elevator button until the elevator door finally opens (I had to actually look this up, and it literally took me 10 tries to get it right). The insanity only increases as you arrive to the next floor up: go into ANY of the rooms and you'll meet a room service maid who will continually throw pillows at you.    

Those pillows will bloody kill you. 

If you're having trouble beating these new enemies, don't panic, the game will offer two new weapons for your psychopathic arsenal of deadly toys. The first is the Bell, which adds a flip attack to your jumps a la' Samus Aran until you're hit...because bells can do that apparently? The other weapon is called the Super Flying Fist, which is a BB gun- yeah no, it's a f*cking actual gun that kills anything.

"...and a Happy New Year!" 

To think this game was playing innocently enough 30 minutes ago (It took me a long time to get the elevator down), but wow, they've gone and turned it into a Dirty Harry Jr. Not only am I convinced that THQ only watched portions of the first movie where Kevin was shooting the BB gun at Buzz's sports figurines and thought "That's probably what the sequel is totally about; let's make the video game based around that blind assumption", but they went with the idea thinking it was a legitimately good idea. Why go to all the trouble making all these character models and weapons if you're not going to use them in the game? It gets even crazier as you head near the end of the stage in the basement level...or a kitchen...as you ride a conveyer belt emitting steam, or mayonaise or something.

While this guy walks like an Egyptian and throws targets at you. 

And now as we near the end of the stage- HOLY SH*T WATCH OUT FOR THAT SUSHI! 

 This is probably racist, I'm not sure. 

 You probably think this stage can't get any dumber, but that's only because you haven't seen the final boss. Oh yes, it makes even the suitcase elevator not-a-boss look like...ah, normal? 

Yeah, this is racist. 

Okay, I get this is a video game and they were trying to set themselves apart from the film, but how do you explain THAT??? It's Chef from South Park in a furry costume. The hell? A chef boss may seem appropriate since you're in a kitchen and all, but how can you explain that dog nose? Either this is supposed to dedicate the loss of some developer's dead dog, or some erotic role-playing is going to take place. Haha, oh silly me, they can't be the reason! Haha...

Anyway, in order to beat this boss, you'll have to slide into him whenever jumps down, which the game in turn keeps hit count by taking off layers of his clothes...okay, maybe that role-playing theory isn't too far off. 

The boss is now suddenly Pedobear with diabetes. 

After a few more hits the monstrosity to man is defeated (the boss, not the game), his hat pops off revealing a pizza 1-up item if you defeat it, or die if you touch it, because the developers hate you. We're then treated with a cut-scene which is literally the last point of the game where it actually follows the movie. 

Well it's a step up from that Al Rooker. 

 Wait, is he referring to teen pregnancy?

Surprising spoiler alert: Kevin escapes the captors by pinching Ms. Oppen-sexy-style over there, and now we're unfortunately back to playing the real game. And I guess it doesn't need to said that there is no Duncan's Toy Chest stage, because that would've been "weird". Guess we have to make due with the rest of the game. (yes, I'm crying inside) 

At least the next stage (The Streets) isn't as batsh*t insane. I mean sure, it has more thugs lined up on one street corner than Miami, and certainly New York, but hey, it's a video game. Yeah, they actually made a pretty decent stage here...platforms...street lamps... they've outdone themselves. Yup, this is pretty normal. Normal, normal, normal. Hey look, a sewer, let's go in it and-  

 PIGEONS. F***ING. ENEMY. PIGEONS. 

P-PIGEONS?! IN A SEWER?!?!?! PIGEONS?!?! PIGEONS?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! AND WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY DROPPING, THEIR OWN BLOOD?!!?  

I'm just...just wow. Bad Eggs is cancelled guys, I can't do this anymore. How do we continue playing video games after this? Pigeons...PIGEONS?!?!?!!?!? 

Okay, breath EggBeatr, you can do this. Breath, juuuuuust inhale. Now exhale. Just get through it; you only have to play this game once. ...Okay, I'm good, we'll go on. Please excuse my mental breakdown, they only happen twice a day.

So that was Stage 2 in a nutshell. There's no more I can say about it, because that's how it goes.  

I'd like to say we're done with the insanity, ooooh you know I would, but as Stage 3 (House) would say to you if it could talk: "Haha, no f*ck you". As soon as you step foot into the "House" stage you're met with the two crooks, Harry and Marv, and wait at the precise moment to spring a trap on Marv. Translation: cut a string to send a "10 Ton" weight crashing on top of his mortal head. 

 You know, using guns seemed a lot less violent. 

And that's pretty what you do the entire level: kill Marv over and over like an immortal Kenny each floor with pre-set traps.  

That wallpaper killed 5 people alone.

But sometimes Harry gets in your way, and you have to roll a stick of what appears to be dynamite under his feet- tripping him to death, because that's how you totally use dynamite apparently.

As the Smash Bros. fanbase would tell you: tripping sucks. 

Probably the worst part of the stage is the wooden platform beams that are just the right length apart to send you falling to your death if your jump was just a little off as the developers laugh maniacally at your pain.  

These things. Are on every floor. 

What's worse, you need to jump into one of these pits in order to catch a key in midair and reach the next floor. If game developers built real houses like this the world wouldn't survive for 3 minutes. 

 "I don't want to live on this planet anymore."   

After you reach the roof we come to a brick throwing mini-game we shimmy on down a rope and get chased by Marv. Yes, the whole fourth stage is a chase level. And it gets weirder once you see it in action. 

Suddenly the game has turned into Resident Evil. 

As if the game can't get any crazier we end up with a chase level that's clearly an unreleased Resident Evil Gaiden game. Kevin is clearly Leon, Marv is walking like a corpse, the setting can totally be Racoon City, and just look at that rat with red eyes! Things are also possessed by the way, from flying newspaper to the downright baffling flying pizzas (Remember when they were 1-ups? Well they're enemies now. Thanks, Dominos!). There's also a falling safe at the end of the level that's just there for the sake of...you know, I really don't know why it's there. It doesn't hit Marv, and it's way from striking distance to you, so I imagine it was an obscure reference to Wile. Coyote they just inserted for good measure. 

  Or a reference to how hogsh*t crazy THQ is.

I have no idea if it was intentional or not, but they definitely made a zombie level, and damn, it's actually the best level in the game. That's more than I can say about the, get ready for it, the final stage (which is just called "Tree"). You begin the level by grabbing a drat gun, shooting Marv with it, and then frantically jump up the tree.  

"Keeeeeeeeevin, I'm your biggest faaaaaaan!"

You don't get a Super Flying Fist at all, because who wants to use the most powerful weapon in the game on the final boss fight, I mean really? -quoted from no one that exists. 

Anyway, Marv will eventually follow you up the tree, so you better watch your st- SWEET JESUS WHAT IS THAT?! 

 

 Whether that's a demonic yodeling Christmas tree or a giant facehugger, humanity is doomed. 

  

Wow, I never seen the Rockefeller Christmas tree up close, but I know it doesn't look like that. And no, that is not the final boss, the two goons are, so don't worry. Although, how are you supposed to beat two seemingly immortal kidnappers? Well it's easy: PLOTHOLE PIGEON WOMAN HO! 

Or the Pope. You decide. 

Yes, the pigeon fanatic Susan Boyle look-a-like from the movie appears out of nowhere to sprinkle Christmas cheer in the form of pigeon feed throughout the land. It's as if the Dev's said "Oh snap! We forgot to mention her!", so now she's just hovering in the air as if it gave her appearance justice. Well you better use it to your advantage! Pressing up on the D-pad will prompt a "HELP!" text box which in turn makes Ms. pigeon woman throw pigeon feed to anyone who's under her. After three pigeon feed has been tossed on one of the crooks, a pigeon will appear and knock that mother out of the screen.  

 Pidove used Aerial Ace! It's Super Effective! 

Repeat the same process with Harry and you win the game. That's the final boss fight. As if the game wasn't done with it's mindf*ckery, we're met with a final clip showing what appears to be Gollum reuniting with his parents. 

"We'll kill them at night, and take back our precioussss." 

It would do no justice for the narrative (there's a story?!) if there wasn't any dialogue, but luckily THQ provides... 

"...black people?" 

...with more disturbing images to boot. 

"Join us Kevin. Join us IN HELL." 

And as to reward us for playing the video game adaption, we're treated with a clip of Harry and Marv that wasn't in the movie. Spoiler: no one cares. 

 Huh, just noticed Harry had a perm. 

 CONTINUE?! YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE?!!? AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!! 

Home Alone 2 taught me many things. One is that you shouldn't avoid a lot licensed movie games because they're bad, but because they could be a brain rotting, confoundedly inaccurate, and filled with so much political incorrectness you could stick your finger into it and come up with something clung 4 inches around it. The second thing it taught is that if you were to compare this game with Home Alone 4, it would make the movie look good- and that's not a good thing. No, the state of licensed video games is worse than I thought. This game doesn't deserve to even be a Rom (the method of how I played it). 

Verdict: Everything about this game screams something on such a different wavelength than the movie it's incredible. Just looking at the game's cover only proves this game was originally going to be about Kevin the midget zombie slaying cop on a violent rampage against humanity: 

 Even Harry disagrees with this cover art. 

But before this game is thrown into the incinerator of the possible Apocalypse tomorrow and erased from existence, I think a good name change is order: Grand Theft Alone 2 (Zombie DLC Included). There, I believe I just saved humanity.

What I'd rate it then: 1.5/10

 

Bad Eggs - Home Alone 2

5 Dumbest Things Gamers Do on the Internet

Gamers are known for a lot of things, mainly complaining a lot. At times I can actually agree with a well written rant about frivolous DLC, or how bad Kinect Star Wars is, because those kinds of things are plaguing the game industry, in one way or another. But sometimes, there appears a biased comment that grows like a contagious cancer on Chuck Norris steroids, devoid of all reason or logic that’s only meaning is to ensnare others into believing that it’s offending their very right to game. I’m talking about ridiculous bullsh*t like… 


5. Complain about Visual Gimmicks. 

Visuals are an important part of a video game. On one hand, it really doesn’t dramatically change gameplay, but on the other hand no one would want to play a modern game as a 64-bit Bubsy mutant. For me, it’s the cherry on top, and even if it’s not there I wouldn’t mind looking at an ugly game if the controls and gameplay were perfect. Though I might make a slight exception for Sin and Punishment 2’s macabre looking demon children.
 

GAH!

But it isn’t graphics that gamers complain about the most, it’s the gimmicks like lighting, clothes ’chipping’, and other little things that make up a game. I can’t blame them for wanting good lighting in a horror game or perfect visuals in a cut scene, but what really gets under my skin is when practically everyone goes into rage mode over some stupid insignificant imagery. Like when Alan Wake players went apes*** complaining over the game’s visuals not being up to par when you zoom in 300x times.

You see it all the time without even realizing it. There’s always a “grey games are immature and gory” and “colorful games are gay” argument going on somewhere in the internet, and these people are proud of being arrogant over supposedly opposing art styles without even playing a game in that art style in their lives to even compare. It’s totally okay to like Pokemon over Call of Duty, but to go out and say every X game is better than their Y games just because of the art style, you are no better than they are. I played both Mario Kart DS and Resident Evil 4, and to me they’re completely different but equally amazing games in their own way. No where in my mind was I criticizing them for their looks, because I was too busy shot gunning zombies in the head or ‘snaking’ down the track to care. That’s what we should do; shut up and enjoy the game for what it is. Yet whenever a new Zelda is announced the first reaction is always to start an argument over “THIS ZELDA LOOKS GAY!” “SHUT UP YOU COD PLAYING @#$%!” What about gameplay? Will the controls be authentic and precise? What’s Zelda’s role in this game? There’s so much more to talk about, why are we limiting ourselves just on the visual factor alone?

And this is what game developers have to deal with. This is why Konami is working hard to make boobs in Dead or Alive 5 hyper realistic as well as see-through bras, because that’s what we want. The only thing we know about Senran Kugura Burst is giant busty ninja breasts, yet people want it localized without even considering, you know, plot line, gameplay or any other factor that makes us crave Japan games in the first place. If I wanted to be a pervert I could, oh maybe go on perv-y sites (disclaimer: I don’t) and see it for free, but why pay for it? I know a majority of gamers are guys, but come on now, use your heads! You play games with your thumbs, not your pants! 

The entire plot of this game.

But probably the worst, and I mean the worst, visual gimmick complaint is hands down the one spawned by Sonic fan boys outcry to Sonic’s Green Eyes in Sonic 4: Episode 1. And note that Sonic had Green Eyes long before this game, but as soon as SEGA uttered the word “Retro” and showed clips of Sonic running, green eyes and all, it created such a s***storm of complaints you’d think “Green” was a code word to set off insanity in their brains.

”Green Hill Zone? GREEN?! GREEN EYES?!?!?! RRRRAAAAGGGHH!!!!!”

Look, I know visuals are important to you, but they’re only gimmicks. You’re making people wait longer for a crappier game just to arouse your perverted curious 13 year-old brain. You’re complaining about things you cannot change, but won’t change your thoughts once the final product is done. Sonic has green eyes BUT HE’S STILL SONIC. They’re not changing your Mass Effect into Mass Chicken Attack: Plus 30 more Family Games, or changing Mario Kart into Mortal Kartbat, so why complain? 


4. Go Into Douche Mode Whenever Someone Performs a Speed Run. 

You know when you’re awesome at playing a video game when you can speed run through World 5-1, collect every single power-up on the way, and give the middle finger to the Hammer Bros like an invincible mid-air ninja boss. It takes great skill to pull off awesomeness, and no matter who says what, you’re still the speed run ninja master. 

"You a-can a-suck it!"

So what do expert speed runners get for their hard work? A long list of name calling of course.

Check out the hateful comments for this 6 hour speed run for Majora’s Mask. Notice how amongst every sane comment there’s at least one bad comment telling him to “play the f***ing game like a regular person”. I know there’s plenty of awful people on the internet, but this is in no way a reason to go into full on douche bag mode and start flailing blackmail. What’s worse, their reasons behind being douche-y make absolutely no sense. The common slander towards speed runners, “you have no life”, is so hilariously hypocritical in this situation that the irony from reading that comment went straight through my brain into my lower intestines, which echoed a consecutive number of farts that resembled the tune to “Loser” played backwards. If these douchebags had a forum, you could smell the bulls**t through your moniter’s speakers every time someone posted their URL. They claim that the speed runner has no life, yet they will gladly go thread to thread, like a flamboyantly gay Honey Nut Cheerios bee, and waist their own time telling others, who’ve used that same time to perfect something, that they’re wasting their lives. Can you say paradox?

"Ah, another great day to waste my life on the internet telling how bad people are!"

Another biased comment that makes absolutely no sense is “when you speed run through a game, you‘re not having fun!”. They’re literally saying that it’s perfectly A-OK to play a game for 500+ hours, but as soon as you speed run it YOU’VE KILLED THE FUN!!! Wow, that’s like saying NASCAR racers aren’t having fun because they’re not on the road with all of us in traffic going 5 mph. Who says speed running isn’t fun? Have you tried it? It takes skill and quick reflexes, and it takes patience. Why does everyone have to play the same game the same way? If we’re not playing the game wrong then what you bitching about? And who says using glitches or short-cuts is in anyway “mistreating” the game? Not only do you have to perform them right in order to bypass portions of the game, but finding those Easter eggs was a huge task to begin with. Speed runs are supposed to be as quick as possible, so why not use what the game offers, directly or indirectly? 

So stop acting jealous, and give our gaming vets a pat on the back. They’ve deserved it.


3. Get Hyped Over Everything. 

It happened just this last E3: I was just sitting in the chair, waiting for Spike TV to broadcast the Nintendo Conference Live. I was stoked; maybe they’ll announce a Four Swords, an Elite Beat Agents sequel, or -gasp- a new IP HYPE HYPE HYPE!! Well, the conference came and gone, and I didn’t get what I want. But I wasn’t totally disappointed; what Nintendo had to show was pretty nice, and a couple years down the road I’d be playing those games.

But seriously, Reggie, where’s my Four Swords game?

But my wish list of predictions was tame compared to the internet’s Tasmanian Devil hype train of requests: F-ZERO, POKEMON RUBY/SAPPHIRE REMAKES, SMASH BROTHERS 4, NEW ZELDA, MARIO KART WII U, AND EARTHBOUND 4, EARTHBOUND 4, EARTHBOUND 4!!!!!! Really, you expected all that and Earthbound 4? Granted, everyone is entitled to voice their own predictions before the show, but let’s be logical here, Earthbound??? Followed by a 4???????? That’s like saying the next Apple unveiling will be an Ipad that’s so dramatically different from the previous iteration that the mere sight of it will melt your face off from the sheer awesomeness of it’s sleek new 0.00004” design, and also Jesus and Steve Jobs will descend from Heaven riding Unicorns giving away these bug and glitch-free Ipads to everyone who watched the conference, and there will be world peace and everyone will be happy, the end. 

“And on the third day Steve Jobs made everyone happy or something.” - SEGA Genesis, 42:007. Source via Wikipedia.

 
I’m not saying hype is bad in itself. It’s when we expect so much from something to the point where we turn a little speculation into rumor into fact is what is truly terrible. It gets to the point that you have to stop in awe at how everyone reacts so ludicrously whenever something is announced. Whenever a new Nintendo Direct is around the corner, and no matter what Nintendo tells us, the same reaction is always F-ZERO, POKEMON RUBY/SAPPHIRE REMAKES, SMA- you get the point.
 
But please, for the sake of not embarrassing or disappointing yourself, expect less. The less you expect, the more surprised you’ll be when they actually announce something you’ve been dying to see. Maybe, it could be Earthbound 4? (No, not really) 


2. Nerd Rage Whenever a Game is Ported or Remade. 

Bayonetta 2. A game that created such a pissed off hate storm of swirling sh*t when it was announced for the Wii U, you’d think that after it subsided you’d see naught but lifeless bodies of gamers who’s nerd rage caused widespread internal heart attacks.

This leg shot alone killed 50,000 people.

But they deserve to be mad, right? Nobody wants to buy a whole new system just for one game (I’m looking at you especially, Kingdom Hearts). It’s just a ploy from Nintendo to get the ‘hardcore’ gamers to buy their console - game companies just want to rip you off as hard as they can.
 
But it wasn’t that way. Platinum Games never intended of making a sequel, in fact they were going to dump it altogether when Captain Nintendo swooped in to take publishing control. It’s the only reason why we’re getting a sequel in the first place. Yet the complaints from gamers was madness, and no one was honest enough to admit that pointless bashing towards Nintendo’s ears was not going to solve anything. Not only did they bash Nintendo, but they bashed the Wii U, which wasn’t even released at this point, simply saying “I don’t play awesome games on Baby Consoles!” because apparently people like being labeled as douche bag Xbot stereotypes.

This guy.

This bashing of ports has been going on for quite a long time. When Mass Effect 3 was first rumored, and I said rumored, for Wii U, the prior fans of the series would spam the news boards with cries of sour 5 year-old hatred. When Ocarina of Time was announced, people put on their douche monocle, sneered up their noses, and said “Well WE played this game before”. Nintendo gamers are no different: whenever a game like DeBlob or No More Heroes appears on a different console, they act like the game has become poison and is unplayable now. Man, it really sucks having all your life’s stock in Okami for PS2 only to see it getting ported to a different console, doesn't it? What, you don’t own stocks for Okami? And that’s not how stocks work? Then what are doing with that monocle, sir, because you are no gentlemen.
 
Why is this a problem? What’s so bad about games getting ported? That’s a good thing! It not only gives others a chance to play them, but it also gives developers more money…to make more of the games you like! Take off those hipster glasses (the ones below your monocle), because Third Party exclusive sequels are terrible and your constant fanboy pouting isn’t helping developers make the right choice. If you feel that going into forum threads just to post a biased hateful rant in all caps and then leave is the most logical mature reaction to anything, you need to see a physiatrist. Preferably one that greets you at the door with his fist to your stupid face.  


1. Act Like Review Scores Are the Holy Gospel. 

 

Just last week, Metacritic gave Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 the score 86 out of 100. This has lead to many complaints from both sides, from the haters claiming it’s too high, to the CoD junkies whining it’s too low. No matter what score a game gets you can bet there will always be a flurry of complaints, and all of it from just one critic’s opinion and a decimal number.

Silly critic, this game is obviously a 71.2457.

“Skyward Sword got a 7.5 AAAAAAHHH!!!!” “6.5 is too LOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!” “This game does NOT deserve a 9.0 ARRGH!!!” Wow, gamers complaining about numbers!  How, just how, did we stoop this low is a question I can’t even begin to answer. What I do know is that it’s f***ing ridiculous. Not only is a game’s score overreacted, but it’s like only thing gamers are concerned about. When the Wii U reviews came in, the complaints weren’t why the game(s) got the score they did, but the scores themselves. As I said before, there’s some factors I don’t judge a game upon and this is one of them. “6.5 out of 10” or “4 out of 5” is such a vague way of describing a game, I’m blown away at how many gamers actually care.

But you do care, because it effects your own score. Wait, no it doesn’t: your score is your score, and their score is their score. Why is this a problem? What makes IGN’s opinions better than GameSpot’s? If the reviewer is honest to why he give the game the score that he did, than that’s that. They’re not going to cater to only you. You don’t go into a store and say “Well gee, this game got a 7.5 but this one got an 8.5. I guess the latter is automatically better”, because if you do, you’re basing your thoughts not from someone’s review, but from what number they gave it. I’m not saying you should never use the scoring system, but don’t make it your primary decision maker, because it doesn’t work that way.
 

One of these got a 3.7 and is filled with nitric acid.

Look, sometimes it’s perfectly fine to complain - when under control. But you’re giving gamers a bad rap. We really don’t need a stereotypical reputation along with your rant about how Call of Halo: Black Nukem 7 got ported to the Wii UU with a green eyed protagonist and unfairly got a score of 1.5 or something.  

5 Dumbest Things Gamers Do on the Internet