Thursday, August 1, 2013

3 Ridiculous Petitions for Smash Bros. Wii U/3DS Characters

Since the reveal of Smash Bros 3DS/Wii U in June, the internet has predictably erupted into an all-out roster discussion frenzy of which characters need to stay or go, and spamming CAPS LOCK at everyone that says Ridley is too big to be a playable character, because this is what happens when you take out SmashDojo and replace it with random gameplay images for us to maul every detail as if we'll find spoilers in stock footage.
But then there's the fans that are tired of waiting whether their characters make it into the game, and created petitions to get their voices heard. Which is awesome...until you see what madness they're trying to get in SSB4 like... 
3. Digimon 

At least half of the internet took the news of Namco Bandai co-developing Smash Bros out of literal context, and assumed that every Tekken, Tales Of, and Tomogachi character has a shot at being at least featured in SSB4. Which is like saying that since J.J Abrams is the director of the new Star Wars trilogy we're going to be seeing the Cloverfield monster speeding through Tatooine on the Enterprise. Sora Sakurai is already losing sleep over adding third-party characters, and we'll be lucky if we even get Pac-Man as a rep let alone having Ivy as an assist trophy glazing her sexist breasts against the screen like a humping NintenDog. But apparently no one told that to the 10 poorly misguided Digimon fanboys who signed this petition to get Argumon in SSB4.
Yes, some people want Digimon. In Smash Bros. 
 Don't like Digimon in Smash Bros? Your Argumon is invalid! HA! (I'm very sorry)
The petition hasn't had any new signatures since July 22nd, so it's probably safe to say Digimon in SSB4 is a no go, but you have to admire this guy's enthusiasam; albeit he might be a bit too obsessed judging by his FB page:
"Question of the day: If Agumon was in Smash Brothers. How would you want him to handle? What sort of move set would you want for him? Recolors, final smash, voice actor(s). Let us Know!"
"Anyone else ever think Movie Yoshi looks more like Agumon than Yoshi? Too bad the movie predates Digimon by quite a while."
"Admin here; just started playing Project Xross Zone, and I'm hooked. I love it; but the lack of certain characters bugs me. Lets hope they make a sequel and put some more bandai characters in there next time. I personally would love to see Agumon fighting along side Megaman."
Practically every post this guy makes mentions Argumon, and if it doesn't involve Argumon, it's a post begging everyone to help localize Digimon World Re:Digitize Decode. I'm guessing his next move is to legally change his name to Argumon Pereira. 

2. Mike Jones  

This might seem like a weird petition to diss on, since StarTropics was a first-party NES title, so there's a slight chance that he'll appear in SSB4- but do we really want him? To be fair, the petition just dismisses it as a second thought next to asking Nintendo to make a new StarTropics (A.K.A. a game few people today even know exists) for the Wii U, but obscurity aside would you really want this guy in the next Smash Bros:

It's like Donkey Kong and Tin Tin had a nightmarish eyebrow child.

He'd literally be a medium weight Lucas with a similar moveset (StarTropics indirectly referenced Earthbound) and look at that face- LOOK AT THOSE GLOBDAMN EYEBROWS. Maybe I'm being a little unfair- Pit didn't look exactly like his prior NES counterpart after all- and we've already have Wii Fit Trainer to prove that obscurity isn't a hurtle, but still, this is like having Slippy Toad as a playable character. Captain Rainbow would make more sense as a playable character than- 

   STOP IT! 


1. Reggie Fils-Aime

Ask anyone what CEO/president of a video game company they would like to play as in a video game, and you'll probably get a blank stare and a resounding "what, why?", which is one of the many reasons why you won't be playing as Peter Moore in a future EA Sports title any time soon. So it's baffling that there's a petition to include Reggie Fils-Aime (The American COO of Nintendo) as a playable character in Smash Bros. 

And it already has over 24,000 supporters, and growing consistently as I write this. Gabe Newell couldn't get that praise even if he gave away free copies of Half-Life 3 and sold his fortune to end world hunger. 

This is relevant. 

Let me rephrase that: an average Nintendo COO that accidentally became a famous internet meme is now part of an on-line petition to include him in a fighting game that features a walking pink marshmallow and electric mice- and it has over 24,000 people backing it. This is what we've become. Oh, and Reggie is seriously going with it: 

Of course Sora Sakurai has the final decision of the character roster, but the mere fact that this could very well happen and that it's under consideration is baffling, especially coming from a gaming company that has never taken fan feedback seriously at all. 

"You want a new F-Zero you say? Well that's just silly, no one wants that." 

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