Wednesday, December 16, 2015

N5S Gut Reaction: Final Smash Bros Presentation

Well, Smash Bros had a final thing and apparently we have a blog thing, so I guess I have to do the thing for all you 7 poor unfortunate souls.

(Also, here's the British link to the presentation, because Donald Trump won the American ballot and no one needs to see that)

Watching the Final Smash Bros Presentation for me was like watching someone else open presents they either thought they never wanted or didn't want to begin with. To be honest, I wasn't even remotely hyped because I got all the ice cream I could ever want a year, but still left bitter sweet seeing everyone else get the same vanilla ice cream- or in their minds, vanilla piss flavored ice cream with hairy squirrel nut sprinkles.

Or just pizza flavored. 

How does Sakurai-san sama end what is possibly the most impressive love letter DLC lineup of video game characters in existence? Well, you start by showing them another Fire Emblem character. Yeah, good start. Yeeeeah you could make him/her as cool as you want but no one would give two s***s about a less interesting Robin with a down B counter. At this time I was contemplating watching something more thought-provoking or educational, but no paint was drying at the time and the presentation still had at least 25 minutes to go, so I submitted through the Highlander 2 of gaming characters just to see what disappointed me next.


Not to mention that the "dog on horse" Twitch live stream servers were down at the time. 

Next we learn that Ike Strife is being released at the end of the presentation along with a Midgar stage. Awesome! But the Midgar stage only has two tracks and neither One-winged Angel or the Bombing Mission theme from Cloud's freaking reveal trailer are included. Oh. Also half-way through the game Snake is replaced by Raiden and it's going to be episodic.  

Oh but guys, Square Enix remembers Geno! They went through all the trouble of scalping his dead carcass just for your mii characters to wear, so they'll look exactly like a mii character wearing a Geno costume! If you have trouble making your mii look nothing like the character it's trying to resemble, Don't worry! Just scan the QR codes from our wall of shame and use one of our miis that look nothing like the character it's trying to resemble.  

Nailed it!  

But alas we've come to the end of the journey and it's time to reveal the results of the Smash ballot- wait, is that...F*** EVERYTHING THAT'S PIT AND THAT'S AN EVIL WOMAN'S VOICE- IT'S MEDUSA. MEDUSA WON.  

Just kidding, ass and xbox tears wins.

But mostly ass. 

Ho sh*t, evidently K Rool lost weight and changed his sex. Okay, I think I fully understand you now Sakurai: you have such an undying fetish for surprising people that you hack into our inner conscious from your Nintendo wizard powers to surprise us with something we always wanted but never expected. 

Or the North American ballot results was so atrocious you instead opted to reveal the European results. Okay, I admit I can deal with that too, but the overall worldwide result? Uh, what?

Pictured: Europe. 

Curses! How dare you surprise me with something that will make the game remotely better when I was expecting something lackluster like Shovel the Warthog! Hack-spitsh (?) I spit in your general direction and sleep with your mother and then spit on her, you mouth pooper!!!!!!!1!11! Well now I'm boycotting your games and forming a petition, Sakurai, so now you'll have to listen to me next time! HAHA didn't expect that didn't you! Well you're not getting my money now even though I already paid full priced for your game! I'll only buy one of the DLC characters too and play it at a friend's house on Fridays- you're ruined! 

Also God bless your magnificant hands, you amazing sexy beast. 


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