Wednesday, November 21, 2012

5 Dumbest Things Gamers Do on the Internet

Gamers are known for a lot of things, mainly complaining a lot. At times I can actually agree with a well written rant about frivolous DLC, or how bad Kinect Star Wars is, because those kinds of things are plaguing the game industry, in one way or another. But sometimes, there appears a biased comment that grows like a contagious cancer on Chuck Norris steroids, devoid of all reason or logic that’s only meaning is to ensnare others into believing that it’s offending their very right to game. I’m talking about ridiculous bullsh*t like… 

5. Complain about Visual Gimmicks. 

Visuals are an important part of a video game. On one hand, it really doesn’t dramatically change gameplay, but on the other hand no one would want to play a modern game as a 64-bit Bubsy mutant. For me, it’s the cherry on top, and even if it’s not there I wouldn’t mind looking at an ugly game if the controls and gameplay were perfect. Though I might make a slight exception for Sin and Punishment 2’s macabre looking demon children.


But it isn’t graphics that gamers complain about the most, it’s the gimmicks like lighting, clothes ’chipping’, and other little things that make up a game. I can’t blame them for wanting good lighting in a horror game or perfect visuals in a cut scene, but what really gets under my skin is when practically everyone goes into rage mode over some stupid insignificant imagery. Like when Alan Wake players went apes*** complaining over the game’s visuals not being up to par when you zoom in 300x times.

You see it all the time without even realizing it. There’s always a “grey games are immature and gory” and “colorful games are gay” argument going on somewhere in the internet, and these people are proud of being arrogant over supposedly opposing art styles without even playing a game in that art style in their lives to even compare. It’s totally okay to like Pokemon over Call of Duty, but to go out and say every X game is better than their Y games just because of the art style, you are no better than they are. I played both Mario Kart DS and Resident Evil 4, and to me they’re completely different but equally amazing games in their own way. No where in my mind was I criticizing them for their looks, because I was too busy shot gunning zombies in the head or ‘snaking’ down the track to care. That’s what we should do; shut up and enjoy the game for what it is. Yet whenever a new Zelda is announced the first reaction is always to start an argument over “THIS ZELDA LOOKS GAY!” “SHUT UP YOU COD PLAYING @#$%!” What about gameplay? Will the controls be authentic and precise? What’s Zelda’s role in this game? There’s so much more to talk about, why are we limiting ourselves just on the visual factor alone?

And this is what game developers have to deal with. This is why Konami is working hard to make boobs in Dead or Alive 5 hyper realistic as well as see-through bras, because that’s what we want. The only thing we know about Senran Kugura Burst is giant busty ninja breasts, yet people want it localized without even considering, you know, plot line, gameplay or any other factor that makes us crave Japan games in the first place. If I wanted to be a pervert I could, oh maybe go on perv-y sites (disclaimer: I don’t) and see it for free, but why pay for it? I know a majority of gamers are guys, but come on now, use your heads! You play games with your thumbs, not your pants! 

The entire plot of this game.

But probably the worst, and I mean the worst, visual gimmick complaint is hands down the one spawned by Sonic fan boys outcry to Sonic’s Green Eyes in Sonic 4: Episode 1. And note that Sonic had Green Eyes long before this game, but as soon as SEGA uttered the word “Retro” and showed clips of Sonic running, green eyes and all, it created such a s***storm of complaints you’d think “Green” was a code word to set off insanity in their brains.

”Green Hill Zone? GREEN?! GREEN EYES?!?!?! RRRRAAAAGGGHH!!!!!”

Look, I know visuals are important to you, but they’re only gimmicks. You’re making people wait longer for a crappier game just to arouse your perverted curious 13 year-old brain. You’re complaining about things you cannot change, but won’t change your thoughts once the final product is done. Sonic has green eyes BUT HE’S STILL SONIC. They’re not changing your Mass Effect into Mass Chicken Attack: Plus 30 more Family Games, or changing Mario Kart into Mortal Kartbat, so why complain? 

4. Go Into Douche Mode Whenever Someone Performs a Speed Run. 

You know when you’re awesome at playing a video game when you can speed run through World 5-1, collect every single power-up on the way, and give the middle finger to the Hammer Bros like an invincible mid-air ninja boss. It takes great skill to pull off awesomeness, and no matter who says what, you’re still the speed run ninja master. 

"You a-can a-suck it!"

So what do expert speed runners get for their hard work? A long list of name calling of course.

Check out the hateful comments for this 6 hour speed run for Majora’s Mask. Notice how amongst every sane comment there’s at least one bad comment telling him to “play the f***ing game like a regular person”. I know there’s plenty of awful people on the internet, but this is in no way a reason to go into full on douche bag mode and start flailing blackmail. What’s worse, their reasons behind being douche-y make absolutely no sense. The common slander towards speed runners, “you have no life”, is so hilariously hypocritical in this situation that the irony from reading that comment went straight through my brain into my lower intestines, which echoed a consecutive number of farts that resembled the tune to “Loser” played backwards. If these douchebags had a forum, you could smell the bulls**t through your moniter’s speakers every time someone posted their URL. They claim that the speed runner has no life, yet they will gladly go thread to thread, like a flamboyantly gay Honey Nut Cheerios bee, and waist their own time telling others, who’ve used that same time to perfect something, that they’re wasting their lives. Can you say paradox?

"Ah, another great day to waste my life on the internet telling how bad people are!"

Another biased comment that makes absolutely no sense is “when you speed run through a game, you‘re not having fun!”. They’re literally saying that it’s perfectly A-OK to play a game for 500+ hours, but as soon as you speed run it YOU’VE KILLED THE FUN!!! Wow, that’s like saying NASCAR racers aren’t having fun because they’re not on the road with all of us in traffic going 5 mph. Who says speed running isn’t fun? Have you tried it? It takes skill and quick reflexes, and it takes patience. Why does everyone have to play the same game the same way? If we’re not playing the game wrong then what you bitching about? And who says using glitches or short-cuts is in anyway “mistreating” the game? Not only do you have to perform them right in order to bypass portions of the game, but finding those Easter eggs was a huge task to begin with. Speed runs are supposed to be as quick as possible, so why not use what the game offers, directly or indirectly? 

So stop acting jealous, and give our gaming vets a pat on the back. They’ve deserved it.

3. Get Hyped Over Everything. 

It happened just this last E3: I was just sitting in the chair, waiting for Spike TV to broadcast the Nintendo Conference Live. I was stoked; maybe they’ll announce a Four Swords, an Elite Beat Agents sequel, or -gasp- a new IP HYPE HYPE HYPE!! Well, the conference came and gone, and I didn’t get what I want. But I wasn’t totally disappointed; what Nintendo had to show was pretty nice, and a couple years down the road I’d be playing those games.

But seriously, Reggie, where’s my Four Swords game?

But my wish list of predictions was tame compared to the internet’s Tasmanian Devil hype train of requests: F-ZERO, POKEMON RUBY/SAPPHIRE REMAKES, SMASH BROTHERS 4, NEW ZELDA, MARIO KART WII U, AND EARTHBOUND 4, EARTHBOUND 4, EARTHBOUND 4!!!!!! Really, you expected all that and Earthbound 4? Granted, everyone is entitled to voice their own predictions before the show, but let’s be logical here, Earthbound??? Followed by a 4???????? That’s like saying the next Apple unveiling will be an Ipad that’s so dramatically different from the previous iteration that the mere sight of it will melt your face off from the sheer awesomeness of it’s sleek new 0.00004” design, and also Jesus and Steve Jobs will descend from Heaven riding Unicorns giving away these bug and glitch-free Ipads to everyone who watched the conference, and there will be world peace and everyone will be happy, the end. 

“And on the third day Steve Jobs made everyone happy or something.” - SEGA Genesis, 42:007. Source via Wikipedia.
I’m not saying hype is bad in itself. It’s when we expect so much from something to the point where we turn a little speculation into rumor into fact is what is truly terrible. It gets to the point that you have to stop in awe at how everyone reacts so ludicrously whenever something is announced. Whenever a new Nintendo Direct is around the corner, and no matter what Nintendo tells us, the same reaction is always F-ZERO, POKEMON RUBY/SAPPHIRE REMAKES, SMA- you get the point.
But please, for the sake of not embarrassing or disappointing yourself, expect less. The less you expect, the more surprised you’ll be when they actually announce something you’ve been dying to see. Maybe, it could be Earthbound 4? (No, not really) 

2. Nerd Rage Whenever a Game is Ported or Remade. 

Bayonetta 2. A game that created such a pissed off hate storm of swirling sh*t when it was announced for the Wii U, you’d think that after it subsided you’d see naught but lifeless bodies of gamers who’s nerd rage caused widespread internal heart attacks.

This leg shot alone killed 50,000 people.

But they deserve to be mad, right? Nobody wants to buy a whole new system just for one game (I’m looking at you especially, Kingdom Hearts). It’s just a ploy from Nintendo to get the ‘hardcore’ gamers to buy their console - game companies just want to rip you off as hard as they can.
But it wasn’t that way. Platinum Games never intended of making a sequel, in fact they were going to dump it altogether when Captain Nintendo swooped in to take publishing control. It’s the only reason why we’re getting a sequel in the first place. Yet the complaints from gamers was madness, and no one was honest enough to admit that pointless bashing towards Nintendo’s ears was not going to solve anything. Not only did they bash Nintendo, but they bashed the Wii U, which wasn’t even released at this point, simply saying “I don’t play awesome games on Baby Consoles!” because apparently people like being labeled as douche bag Xbot stereotypes.

This guy.

This bashing of ports has been going on for quite a long time. When Mass Effect 3 was first rumored, and I said rumored, for Wii U, the prior fans of the series would spam the news boards with cries of sour 5 year-old hatred. When Ocarina of Time was announced, people put on their douche monocle, sneered up their noses, and said “Well WE played this game before”. Nintendo gamers are no different: whenever a game like DeBlob or No More Heroes appears on a different console, they act like the game has become poison and is unplayable now. Man, it really sucks having all your life’s stock in Okami for PS2 only to see it getting ported to a different console, doesn't it? What, you don’t own stocks for Okami? And that’s not how stocks work? Then what are doing with that monocle, sir, because you are no gentlemen.
Why is this a problem? What’s so bad about games getting ported? That’s a good thing! It not only gives others a chance to play them, but it also gives developers more money…to make more of the games you like! Take off those hipster glasses (the ones below your monocle), because Third Party exclusive sequels are terrible and your constant fanboy pouting isn’t helping developers make the right choice. If you feel that going into forum threads just to post a biased hateful rant in all caps and then leave is the most logical mature reaction to anything, you need to see a physiatrist. Preferably one that greets you at the door with his fist to your stupid face.  

1. Act Like Review Scores Are the Holy Gospel. 

Just last week, Metacritic gave Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 the score 86 out of 100. This has lead to many complaints from both sides, from the haters claiming it’s too high, to the CoD junkies whining it’s too low. No matter what score a game gets you can bet there will always be a flurry of complaints, and all of it from just one critic’s opinion and a decimal number.

Silly critic, this game is obviously a 71.2457.

“Skyward Sword got a 7.5 AAAAAAHHH!!!!” “6.5 is too LOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!” “This game does NOT deserve a 9.0 ARRGH!!!” Wow, gamers complaining about numbers!  How, just how, did we stoop this low is a question I can’t even begin to answer. What I do know is that it’s f***ing ridiculous. Not only is a game’s score overreacted, but it’s like only thing gamers are concerned about. When the Wii U reviews came in, the complaints weren’t why the game(s) got the score they did, but the scores themselves. As I said before, there’s some factors I don’t judge a game upon and this is one of them. “6.5 out of 10” or “4 out of 5” is such a vague way of describing a game, I’m blown away at how many gamers actually care.

But you do care, because it effects your own score. Wait, no it doesn’t: your score is your score, and their score is their score. Why is this a problem? What makes IGN’s opinions better than GameSpot’s? If the reviewer is honest to why he give the game the score that he did, than that’s that. They’re not going to cater to only you. You don’t go into a store and say “Well gee, this game got a 7.5 but this one got an 8.5. I guess the latter is automatically better”, because if you do, you’re basing your thoughts not from someone’s review, but from what number they gave it. I’m not saying you should never use the scoring system, but don’t make it your primary decision maker, because it doesn’t work that way.

One of these got a 3.7 and is filled with nitric acid.

Look, sometimes it’s perfectly fine to complain - when under control. But you’re giving gamers a bad rap. We really don’t need a stereotypical reputation along with your rant about how Call of Halo: Black Nukem 7 got ported to the Wii UU with a green eyed protagonist and unfairly got a score of 1.5 or something.  
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