My 5 Wishes for the Next Smash Bros.

We're just a month away (or sooner) until the reveal of the fourth installment for Super Smash Bros. While I'm not one to promote hype (says the guy who already wrote two "Top 5 Wishes" blogs) I think it's a perfect time than any to share my optimism for the next Smash Bros. Like...

5. A More Innovative Stage Builder (Or none at all)

Chances are, after you played versus mode against four Lv.1 Jigglypuffs for 200 hours straight, you probably decided to check out Brawl's Stage builder mode expecting a robust set of features, because dude, this is the best game ever made- with the lamest Stage Builder ever made. Lack of any nostalgic set pieces aside (where the heck is my Chozo set piece, dammit?!) the Stage Builder offers a ho-hum assortment of platforms, while offering three stage sizes where if you pick small, for example, you can't use the medium level sized pieces even though they would fit, and freakin' vice-versa. Instead of being able to recreate the classic Hyrule Castle Stage, we're given pieces to allow douchebags to make "Spike Stage", guaranteed to ruin every friendship every time it's randomly select in Versus Mode. Either give us better variety of pieces/scenery or remove the Stage Builder entirely- it's taking up room for more playable characters. Speaking of which...

4. More 1st Party Characters/Assist Trophies  

 

Yes, Internet, you're welcome. 

As much I like having guest characters like Snake and Sonic appear in Smash Bros., there needs to be more love for the 1st party troopers, because this is Super Nintendo Bros. after all. To name a few I personally would love see make it in: Prince Fluff (Kirby's Epic Yarn), Ridley (Super Metroid), Baba (F-Zero GX), Lady Palutena (Kid Icaurs: Uprising), Waluigi (Mario Party), Shulk (Xenoblade), Zoroark (Pokemon Black/White), Bowser Jr. (Mario Sunshine), Mii's (Misc.); and as for Assist trophies: Cuccos (LoZ) and Dr. Kawashima (Brain Age- NINTENDO CHOP!) would make hilarious items. With Namco Bandai in development, there's a big chance we'll be seeing Pac-Man, Tekken, and SoulCalibur characters in the melting pot as well, so we'll get a good share of 3rd party characters too. That said, Mega Man would be an awesome guest character...as long as he's not a Samus clone. And that's another thing... 

3. No Clone Characters/Identical Smash Attacks 

It's as if whenever a fighting game is being made, someone in mid-development throws his arms up and shouted "F*** it, let's just give them all Landmasters." The lazy palette-swap strategy has been around since the dawn of gaming, and there's far worse examples than Smash Bros. (see "Mortal Kombat 2 Character List") but it doesn't make it any less worse. Granted, there are distinct differences in weight comparing Link and Toon Link; Fox is a lot faster than Falco, etc., which is okay, fine, but why give them the exact same Final Smash? Ness doesn't necessarily have a different ultimate attack than Lucas, but at least reverse the direction of his PK Thunder or something. Toon Link should be summoning a wind hurricane; giving him the same Final Smash attack as normal Link is redundant. I fear clones the worst with Namco Bandai at the helm, but hopefully they'll follow SoulCalibur's direction and eliminate clones altogether (Don't increase Peach's bra size though, there's children who play this). I will cherish the day when all characters are balanced so on-line doesn't feel like Attack of the Clones. That is, however, if on-line is even usable...

2. Better On-Line Play For Pete's Sake 

  

No, DK, I want better. 

Enough said. 

1. Physical Trophy DLC  

Let's get one thing out of the way: Skylanders was an expensive money vacuum cleaner toy gimmick to unlock in-game material that was already on-disc. Why would I want this in SSB4? Because Nintendo does DLC the right way, and this would prolong game content to at least 3 years (albeit price-y). Also, you must be joking with that smirk, because you don't even know how awesome this will be for the SSB faithful. Disappointed that Nightmare isn't playable? Just wait for the bundle pack to be released and you'll get not only Nightmare, but a Stage pack, bonus story chapter, AND you get to keep a physical figurine you can set next to your moniter! It's a bit of an optimistic dream, but if they can do it with Pokemon Rumble U, then why stop there?  And how would this not be the biggest selling game of all time?

 This is what your room would look like. (Though you might want to invest in lighting first, Count Dracula)

But let's think beyond just Namco Bandai/Nintendo licenses: think how pants soiling awesome this would be if gaming giants like Konami, Capcom, Square Enix, etc. joined in group support with their character trophies. My wallet aches just thinking of these implications. Scorpian versus Captian Falcon? Hell, yes. If this is the future for Smash Bros., I'm going to be on life support for all the blood I'll be donating just to collect em' all. But I'll be fine either way, because I'm going to be clocking in over 600 hours beating up four Lv.1 Jigglypuffs anyway.

My 5 Wishes for the Next Smash Bros.

3 Reasons Why Nintendo Not Holding A Big E3 Conference This Year Is A Good Thing.

Nintendo fans had woken up today with rather unfortunate news that the Big N won't be holding a big  conference for this year's E3, but would opt instead to host two smaller events to announce new software. Unsurprisingly, this has set off a disappointed outcry from the fanbase as if they were entitled from birth to get every Nintendo announcement in one day, because dammit, if Nintendo doesn't host a conference how the hell will we know if Mother 4 is announced?!

"I'm already half-dead, Nintendo, what more do you want from me?" 

But cry, rant, or say Nintendo has gone poor, because when you consider in the others factors, Nintendo not hosting a big conference this year is actually better for the gamers. You shouldn't complain, because: 

3. Big E3 Conferences Aren't For the Gamers. 

Reality check quiz: why doesn't E3 allow your average Joe to walk into the convention? Ding, Ding, time's up! If you didn't answer that question within ten seconds and/or your brain was genetically infused with a sloth at birth, you seriously are out of the loop. You either have to be an investor in the game's industry, are a part in the industry, or know a cousin's cousin who happens to be a game developer and invited you to E3 in order to set foot in the convention- and I might be stretching it there with that last one. E3 is not open to the public. The demos on the showroom floor are solely for the persons I mentioned above and are only there because if you're going to invest or be inspired in something it's better to actually see the fangled thing with your own eyes. E3 is only live-streamed to the public because you will be the one's that will be voicing your input about which hard/software is better, thus giving investors a somewhat clearer picture of what to invest in- and it's not even the biggest factor in their decisions. It's like watching the bigger kids ride a roller coaster and then having them asking you how the experience was.

"But lo!" you hark, "Don't the gamers matter more than that? WE buy the games, for crying out loud!" And that's the thing: if you did matter more E3 would be open for the public. Your pleas for another F-Zero are muffled out, because conferences are 45 minute bore trains to show how their new consoles can play movies on the internet while allowing you to simultaneously post dick jokes on your friend's FaceBook pages. By the time they get to the actual game(s) the whole f***ing process repeats again as we're informed how you can live feed your entire gaming chat adventures to other players like it's the gopdamn future of video games, and implying you poor sad sack of a human being will even have friends after you post "GAIS IS THER A CODE TO MAKE LARA CROFT NAK3D PLES I N33D THAT CODE?!?!!?!" for the tenth time in under three minutes. It is a tech show in soul, and your gut spilling reaction to last year's Microsoft conference is not going to change anything anytime soon.  

"Thanks, Microsoft, this is just what I f***king wanted." 

Saying E3's main concern is the gamers is like saying G4 was totally about video games and not game shows about vomiting (also, I totally killed two birds with one stone with that last picture). Nintendo says they'll focus on games for the show and instead focuses on Miiverse like they invented social media, because that's unfortunately what you have to do when you host at E3. "But woooooooooooooe!" you insist on whining in my ear, "E3 gives us something to look forward to at least!" Yeah, and that's another problem, because:

2. The Pre-E3 Hype Is Awful. 

Don't get me wrong; I'm not dissing on the hype train photoshops (I mean, look at that), but sometimes I have to throw my arms in the air whenever I read lists (Yes, lists) of games people are expecting from E3 and just say, "WOW". I don't know if it's in spite of pessimism or a bad act of trolling, but it puts a dampers the whole E3 experience for everyone. We live in an age where someone can take a joke like Sonic appearing in Mario Galaxy 2, twist into a rumor, allowing everyone to grab hold of it until the facehugging rumor pandemic automatically becomes Biblical fact. E3 is the festering abysmal hole of tears and unanswered dreams, and we jump off the crazy cliff like figurative suicidal lemmings every year, believing this garbage, and the rest us are submitted to hearing disappointed fans complain how the new Zelda looks too childish or (do I dare say it?), mother of God, Nintendo revealed a casual game at the show. Gasp! Welp, time to return our Mario fanclub badges, guys, Reggie still hasn't broken his fanboy tear addiction.  

"Did someone say fanboy tears?! I hope they're grape flavored!"

First of all, you don't have a Mario fanclub badge, you sad sack, and stop lying- we can smell your fear. And secondly, Nintendo can release whatever they want, okay? You rubbing your lucky ball (or actual balls) to the melody of California Girls played backwards is going to get you F-Zero as much as flaming Nintendo's e-mail page with hatemail- because that Zelda game was too bright, dammit, are you trying to blind me?! You're as much as a psychic as I am, and I hate to break it to you, but no amount of holy optimism that makes you believe that you'll get everything you want from one show is going to make your dreams come true.  

Sure, we're finally getting Earthbound after so many years, you may point out, but not because we wished for it but because we repeatedly asked for it. We didn't make Operation Rainfall work by just hoping, we had to beg for those games to get localized. It's not entirely the same philosophy for games that don't even exist yet, and I'm not trying to tell you to not have a little faith, but Nintendo is a game company that sells games, and only releases games that they know people will buy, not some wild figment of your imagination. If you want a game to be released, form a vocal community; if you're just predicting what will be shown don't act surprised afterwards that Mario Sport Mix 2 was revealed instead of Mother 4, because Nintendo doesn't have a freaking sixth sense. 

  

 "We have no idea how to make you all you f***ing happy; here's a game where you stare at our logo. F*** you if you don't like it, we're rich." 

Granted, everything fuels some kind of hype, but when we expect something big like E3 how are we supposed to act? The wait period is brutal as it is, and it's bad enough that we end up watching a Miiverse TVii conference when E3 does happen. That's why there's a better alternative:

1. Directs Are A Better Way To Announce Big Titles.

  

 A years ago, a Nintendo Direct wasn't something to get extremely excited about. They were merely appetizers, there to make us hungry, but not enough to write home about. Non-Specific Action Figure skit was good, but something to look forward to as opposed to an E3 conference? Not happening. But then something did happened. Nintendo set off the year with a bang in January by announcing a new generation Pokemon game(s) out of nowhere. In February they surprise our butts off with a Wind Waker HD remake, a Megami Tensei X Fire Emblem crossover and a Xenoblade-style sequel for Wii U, while promising more games to come this coming E3 confer- (oh yeah). In came March and yet another amazing show revealing a new Mario & Luigi RPG and Donkey Kong Country Returns 3DS port among other things. And as if they were planning they're absence from E3 from the very beginning, they hosted a Direct this month again melting our faces off with A Link to the Past sequel, because gosh darnit, if you're going to melt fanboys' faces off always tease them with a Zelda game.

What makes Directs better than the biggest video game show ever is that you have no idea when Nintendo is going to announce one. There is no time for hype or speculation. Nintendo can host their own show on their own timeline without having to vigorously impress the media, in exchange allowing smaller game companies an opportunity to show their own games. It's a show especially for Nintendo gamers and the people that want to support them, and that's just awesome.

Did I mention they showed A Link To the Past sequel? Because they totally did. 

If E3 is out of the picture, we'll no doubt get more information about big game releases via monthly Directs. Everyone gets their big releases EVERY MONTH, and Nintendo can run a show without filler: everyone wins.

Nintendo's big absence doesn't mark the end of E3, but I sure hope it begins Nintendo's new line of independence from all that hooplah in the future. And I will be anticipating that future.

  

3 Reasons Why Nintendo Not Holding A Big E3 Conference This Year Is A Good Thing.